Humor
Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! "
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Why Ask Why? If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches? What disease did cured ham have? Why do we say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every hour and a half? Why do alarm clocks "go off" when they start making noise? Why do we yell "Heads up!" when we should be yelling "Heads down!" Why is it so hard to remember how to spell "mnemonic"? Why is it called quicksand when it sucks you down very, very slowly? When French people swear, do they say, "Pardon my English"? Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why are they called marbles, if they're made out of glass? What colo…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
"Squawks" are problems noted by U. S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some ACTUAL maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably …
Last reply by John81, -
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Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. 7. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 8. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing w…
Last reply by LAF, -
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Rich was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds....AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Rich got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Rich has been missing since Friday.
Last reply by John81, -
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Last reply by John81, -
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Here are a few things to think about while you are relaxing... Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Why are you IN a movie, but you'r…
Last reply by Madeline, -
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Last reply by qwerty guy, -
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A navy relative sent me this to my email box. I didn't write it but i thought it was really funny. I truly love our military and support our troops, but if anybody finds this joke offensive to the military then feel free to have the mods delete it! Military Rules By Service/Corps: >> >> Marine Corps Rules: >> >> 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. >> 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough. >> 3. ! Have a plan. >> 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't >> work. >> 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone >> you meet. >> 6. D…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Last reply by JerryNumbers, -
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Flubbed Headlines Toronto Suspects Hate Crime Massachusetts Woman Has Eye on Kerry's Seat Man Killed Over Phone Passengers Feeling Airline Crew Cuts Water Skiing Accident Ruled Accidental Judge Not Convinced Murder Victim Is Alive Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Police Man Shoots Man with a Knife Dealers Will Hear a Car Talk at Noon Miners Refuse to Work after Death Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Youth Steals Funds for Charity Music Industry Meets on Drugs Oil Barge Breaks off Texas
Last reply by IM4given, -
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DO YOU KNOW YOUR HYMNS? Dentist's Hymn........ ....... .....Crown Him with Many Crowns Weatherman's Hymn........ ....There Shall Be Showers of Blessings Contractor's Hymn........ .......The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn........ ........Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn........ ......There' s a Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn........ ..Standing on the Promises Optometrist' s Hymn........ ......Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn........ .I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn........ .......Pass It On The Electrician' s Hymn........ Send The Light The Shopper's Hymn........ ....Sweet Bye and Bye The Realtor's Hymn........ .....…
Last reply by 5dumplings@home, -
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While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He looked at Tom and asked, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Last reply by IM4given, -
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Last reply by IM4given, -
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Get Your Money's Worth EACH YEAR, Sam and Sarah went to the state fair, where Sam would ask Sarah to take a ride with him in an open biplane for $10. But each year, Sarah would refuse, saying, "Ten dollars is $10." Finally, after several years of this, the pilot offered to take them for a ride for free if neither of them would say a word during the flight. Sam and Sarah agreed, and off they flew as the pilot took them through loops, spins and dives. They never said a word. As they landed, the pilot said over his shoulder to Sam, "I thought for sure you'd say something with all the maneuvers I did." "I should have said something when Sarah fell out," Sam replied…
Last reply by John81, -
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Ashes to Ashes A 6-YEAR-OLD boy asked his mother if it's true that God made man from dust. "Yes, son, it's true that we're made from dust, and to dust we shall return," replied his mom. "Well," said the boy, "I just looked under my bed, and there's someone either coming or going."
Last reply by John81, -
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Because our former small-town Church was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to wire lights. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some folk were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying. Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?" There was quite an outburst from the …
Last reply by sarcrew, -
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1. There is only one stop sign or stop light(oh and the stop sign might say stop on both sides) 2. When you are related to almost all of the population 3. When your dog dies and get sympathy cards 4. When kids getting their lunch money stole at school makes the front page 5. When you can walk out your front door and see both sides of the city limits. 6. Your town phone book ain't got no yellow pages 7. You call a wrong number and talk for an hour because you know them too 8. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the paper to see whether the publisher got it right. 9. The New Year's baby wasn't born until January 25th. 10. When…
Last reply by CJP56, -
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The Obedient Wife There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wif…
Last reply by canesnc5, -
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It was so hot that Cows were giving evaporated milk. You fed the chickens cracked ice so they wouldn't lay hard boiled eggs. My outside thermometer was banging on the door to come inside. I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking. I saw a fire hydrant fighting over two dogs. Hot water now comes out of both taps. My fried green tomatoes are still on the vine. People are climbing in their hot tubs just to cool off. I went to a sushi bar and all they had was fried fish. My thermometer had to go back to college and get another degree. My Right Guard left. I'm moving to Australia. It's winter there now.
Last reply by canesnc5, -
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Got this in my email - it's good for a chuckle: YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house with…
Last reply by canesnc5, -
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Wayne You have to click on it to see it full size to read it.
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are …
Last reply by bibletotingunslinger, -
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?For the Lord, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away. . .? This was part of our family Bible reading the other night. Nathaniel was listening very well, and when I read this verse, he said, ?I hate putting things away also! I wish I could just leave my toys out!? We had a brief lesson on what putting away in this context meant. It is in reference to divorce.
Last reply by 5dumplings@home, -
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This is hilarious. http://www.cybersalt.org/content/view/2113/590/
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers…
Last reply by John81,