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Get Ready to ROFL! Join the Hilarity Brigade in Our Jokes & Humor Forum for Endless Laughter and Good Times! 
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945 topics in this forum
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Funny Story
by LAF- 3 replies
- 569 views
Below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my accou…
Last reply by John81, -
- 3 replies
- 461 views
Earl and Bubba, two good ol boys, are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months." Earl says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
Last reply by Anon, -
- 1 reply
- 576 views
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections. One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!" The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Last reply by Charbo, -
- 2 replies
- 508 views
Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!" On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a mate…
Last reply by John81, -
- 6 replies
- 589 views
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ?power-wash? and rinse. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly li…
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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- Administrators
- 3 replies
- 640 views
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'" The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."
Last reply by John81, -
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- 1 reply
- 456 views
I took this from A Little Leaven. It is funny and very true. http://www.alittleleaven.com/2007/12/ps ... ing-e.html
Last reply by anime4christ, -
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- Administrators
- 20 replies
- 1.5k views
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? .............................................................. THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN Democrat's Answer: Well, …
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
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- 0 replies
- 539 views
*The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...* 10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful. 9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore. 8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going. 7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels. 6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention. 5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card. 4. Last room left was by the ice machine. 3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before. 2. Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star. 1. No last names, no service.
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
- 3 replies
- 448 views
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12 3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each. 5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sol…
Last reply by bzmomo7, -
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- Administrators
- 3 replies
- 475 views
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, and one of the applicants - who was not known to be the brightest academically - was called in for an interview. "Okay," began the sheriff, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," came the reply. The sheriff thought to himself, "That?s not what I meant, but he?s right." Then the sheriff asked, "what two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today & tomorrow," replied the applicant. The sheriff was again surprised over the answer, one that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The job seeker seemed a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and…
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
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- 1 reply
- 509 views
During scuba diving training class, a student asked what should be done if a shark was seen coming at the group. "Should we try to stab it with our diving knife?" the student asked. The instructor said, "Don?t do that! You?ll only make him mad." Then with a smile he went on, "If you see a shark coming after you, take out your knife, and cut your buddy and swim like crazy."
Last reply by John81, -
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. 1. Don't change horses ??until they stop running.. 2. Strike while the ????.bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before ??..Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of ???termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but ???How? 6. Don't bite the hand that.......looks dirty. 7. No news is.......... impossible 8. A miss is as good as a ????????..Mr. 9. You can't teach an old dog new.......Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll .....…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
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- Administrators
- 1 reply
- 375 views
Be careful in your selection. Do not choose too young. Once selected, give your entire thoughts to preparation for domestic use. Some insist upon keeping them in a pickle, others are constantly getting them into hot water. This may make them sour, hard and sometimes bitter. Even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender and good, by garnishing them with patience, well sweetened with love and seasoned with kisses. Wrap them in a mantle of charity. Keep warm with a steady dose of domestic devotion and serve with peaches and cream. Thus prepared, they will keep for years. ~ Ann Marie Gardiner Walsh - Ball Book of Canning
Last reply by IM4given, -
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- 4 replies
- 464 views
Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay * He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. * The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. * McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. * From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like whe…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
- 2 replies
- 384 views
Got this in an E-mail from a friend:::::::: :Green
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 0 replies
- 405 views
there was a family traveling in a van and they were traveling in a snowstorm that picked up in intensity. the van began to slide and the dad managed to right the van and keep it on the road. grimly the dad asked his family to pray that they might reach their destination safely. right away his little boy said i'll pray for us dad and preceeded to bow his head, close his eyes, fold his hands and pray,"dear Lord thankyou for this food :amen:
Last reply by flaminlayman, -
- 0 replies
- 334 views
Uncle Jay explains Congress - funny video! http://www.unclejayexplains.com/2007/07/page/2/
Last reply by IM4given, -
- 1 reply
- 505 views
Cover letter line funnies: Cover Letters: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume." "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt." "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope." "My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' -- and I like…
Last reply by speerjp1, -
- 7 replies
- 725 views
You Know You?re A Gear Head When: You can't look at some old car without sizing it up for all the good parts you can scavenge from it. You have to move engine/turbine parts off the dining room table at mealtime to make room to eat. You cannot throw out something without first taking it apart to see ?just? what broke, and why. When your neighbors routinely ask you if you want something before they throw it out. When your trashcan is both a source of amusement and frustration for the trash man. It's the only one on the street that they always have to use the hoist on, rather than heave it manually like the rest of them. And it makes the most noise being empti…
Last reply by pneu-engine, -
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, Will, to the event but the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down. That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
Last reply by HappyChristian, -
- 1 reply
- 418 views
Resume Quotations The following quotations were taken from resumes and cover letters from all over the country. With all the work and care that goes into writing these documents, it's funny, if unfortunate, when errors slip through to the final draft. Alas, such mistakes make exactly the wrong impression on exactly the wrong people. Resumes: "I am very detail-oreinted." "I have a bachelorette degree in computers." "Graduated in the top 66% of my class." "I worked as a Corporate Lesion." "Served as assistant sore manager." "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." "Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis." "Special sk…
Last reply by speerjp1, -
Why Men Are Seldom Depressed
by Guest Guest- 7 replies
- 532 views
I got this in an email... hehehe ----------WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dr…
Last reply by woolysheep, -
Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and hooliganize with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless, Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator…
Last reply by kevinmiller, -
- 1 reply
- 371 views
**Deleted by mod because one of the guys uses God's name in vain.**
Last reply by IM4given,
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By BrotherTony · Posted
So .he believes not only in the "preservation" of the Bible for the English speaking people to be the KJV, but that it's also "inspired?" He apparently believes in the double inspiration theory put forth by the likes of Peter Ruckman. Sorry, but you'll NEVER get me to buy into that position. -
Am I feeling sorry for myself, or hoping for pity from others? Absolutely not; I consider it an honor to follow the path the Lord has prepared for me. It is a great honor to be treated as Jesus and the prophets were treated. I have been accused many times of things I haven’t done. I remain faithful to the Lord Jesus and offer myself, a living sacrifice, that the truth of His gospel may abound, and that false doctrines and speculations and every lofty thing might be destroyed. I don’t have the luxury of telling people what they want to hear; I will keep speaking the truth. I am allowed to follow this man and that man, or this doctrine and that doctrine; I am led to follow Jesus. And this I have done, and for this I am regarded by many as an outcast, unfit to be accepted. The times of the restoration of all things is at hand, I press forward, endeavoring to snatch from the fire those who have been deceived to lift themselves up to God’s level, those who claim to be equal to Christ in their authority, those who hold fast to doctrines of men, and even those who have unjustly mistreated me. I am a child of the Son of God, separated by Him, ordained by Him, and commissioned by Him. I will not betray Him. I will continue worshipping him, regardless of what might befall me. Help me lord -
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Wow, good thing I don’t believe in the Calvinistic god! -
By BrotherTony · Posted
I've NEVER been able to understand how people could fall for the tripe that is Calvinism.
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